Conventional, modern “dating” isn’t for everyone. Making tried and true friends and then choosing one of those friends as a romantic partner is a way of going about finding romance that most people don’t know exists, and it unsurprisingly leads to longer, happier relationships as well as better break ups if a break up were to occur. When your partner is not only a friend first, but a tried and true friend first, and then they’re also romantically compatible with you, then there are naturally fewer things that could lead to the hard heartbreak we often face.
People are used to “dating” (which could be accurately referred to as Romantic Roulette) and think it’s the only way. Completely ignorant of other ways of finding a partner. Lots of people actually want a friend as a partner. Most people date and get into relationships with relative strangers. We think that because we have spent time with them for a month, 6 months, a year, etc., and we’ve enjoyed our time, that that suffices as a true friend. However, time is a poor measuring system that everyone uses. Experience is what we’re looking for. Someone who can go through the trials of life along side you as your friend will usually make for the most reliable and fulfilling relationships. But again, people say things like, “Is a week too soon? Is 6 months too early? Maybe I should wait a year?”, when that’s not the question we need to ask.
The questions we need to ask are things like, “Have they been there for me at my worst? Have they been there for me at my best? Did they handle my worst and best in ways that are compatible with who I am? Have I been there for them at their worst? Have I been there for them at their best? Did I handle their worst and best in ways that are compatible with who they are? When are they not fun to be around and how do I feel about that? When we start becoming intimate in friendly ways, how do they respond/react to intimacy? How do I respond/react?”
Because for lots of people intimacy, vulnerability and deep connection are major triggers for them, and you wouldn’t know until you begin to reach that genuine closeness. And many people change when that happens, and that’s often when couples fall apart, because they don’t know why their partner is different now. They may become reserved, distant, irritable, chaotic, etc., because for them, unconsciously intimacy means pain, and like a wild animal in pain, they may behave like an animal in pain, but with a human flavor. And most haven’t explored their unconscious connection enough to recognize changes in their behavior with that context.
So, “dating” tips:
For most people, conventional, modern “dating” isn’t how they’re wired, so find another approach — like making friends and becoming closer to them; finding your tribe, and cultivating that tribe; and finding your potential partners there after asking yourself these questions (and more) and gaining actual experience with people. Experience is what builds trust. Otherwise it’s just faith, which is great, but mostly when you’re worshiping someone, and subtle, social worship is a recipe for fleeting, brittle experiences, not lasting, sustainable ones.